Talking Together

Words are wonderful things. We think with words and we talk with words and when we talk we do many different things: we make claims about who we are and how we see the world; we negotiate, evaluate and judge with words; we use words to blame and praise and we use words to say hello and goodbye.In short, we use words to understand ourselves and the world we live in.

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Talking Together

Words are wonderful things. We think with words and we talk with words and when we talk we do many different things: we make claims about who we are and how we see the world; we negotiate, evaluate and judge with words; we use words to blame and praise and we use words to say hello and goodbye.In short, we use words to understand ourselves and the world we live in.

Share This Post

Words are wonderful things. We think with words and we talk with words and when we talk we do many different things: we make claims about who we are and how we see the world; we negotiate, evaluate and judge with words; we use words to blame and praise and we use words to say hello and goodbye. In short, we use words to understand ourselves and the world we live in. But words do far more than just help us know and understand. They also enable us to construct the social realities we live in as well as grow the trust and affection that enrich our lives. Eleanor Roosevelt once said that we are all in this together and that if we hope to survive, we need to talk. I think what she meant is that we need to learn new, better ways of communicating if we hope to build the more just, compassionate and sustainable cultures that so many of us are yearning for. Most of us who have lived in other countries for longer periods and who learned their languages have discovered that the way people talk varies greatly from culture to culture. A general term for these differences is communication styles and when two people are using different communication styles, it is more difficult for them to become attuned and to develop the rapport that is characteristic of a deeply satisfying conversation.

Think back to some of your own recent conversations. How many of them ended with you feeling energized and more deeply connected and how many of them ended with you feeling anxious, bored or even enervated? Good conversations provide us with information that we need to live well; great conversations create the shared meaning that nourishes both us and our relationships. But all too often we converse mindlessly, saying the same things in the same way we have said them so many times before. We may be present physically, but our minds seem to be elsewhere during such conversations. When the other person does the same, our relationships stagnate and our conversations drain us rather than refresh us.

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There are many ways we can improve our conversations, but one of the most efficacious is a two-step process that enables you to attune with the other while creating the shared meaning that will nourish both of you. The first step is to ask a question and the second step is to listen receptively to what the other person has to say. Why is this so effective? First, it’s powerful because questions guide our attention. When we ask a sincere question with the intention to really understand the other person, we are directing our brains to become more open and receptive. What neuroscience research shows is that brains are designed to attune with other brains. When we ask a sincere question, we direct our brains to focus receptively on the other person, increasing the odds that our brains will attune and begin to synchronize with the other person’s brain. This attuning and synchronizing is an inherently pleasurable and energizing experience that helps us get into a more optimal state of mind. If you’ve ever had the experience of singing harmony in a choir or marching in step with other people, you know how good it feels when our brains attune and synchronize.

But to get the full effect of this we need to listen openly and receptively to what the other person says in response. We have to intend to understand them fully. This can be challenging because when we listen receptively, we risk hearing things that may change us or call our beliefs into question. This is one of the main reasons many of our conversations run so mindlessly: we don’t want to risk hearing things that may call our beliefs into question or change the way we see the world and ourselves. So to protect ourselves from this, we don’t ask questions sincerely and we don’t listen receptively. Asking the right question at the right time and in the right way is a powerful tool for improving our conversations that require both courage and skill. When done well, asking the right question is one of the best ways that I know for improving conversations and building more satisfying relationships. One of the most useful questions I know is what exactly does that mean? This question offers us a way to avoid what I call the “trap of similarity.” The trap of similarity can take many forms, but one of the most common occurs when two people use the same word but mean different things. This trap is especially common when we use abstract words that are emotionally powerful such as truth, love, freedom, value, patriotism, safety and many more. One couple I know had arguments for years every time they talked about one of them feeling “vulnerable.” Their arguments finally dissolved after they realized they were using the same word, but meaning very different things. In this regard, words are like arrows.

Arrows don’t contain pain, but when they hit you, you feel pain. In the same way, words don’t contain meaning as much as they elicit meaning in us when we say, hear or think them. I try to ask what exactly does that mean whenever I’m in a conversation and find myself being triggered by what the other person just said. When I stay present enough to notice that we may be using the same word or words in different ways, asking this question sends two important messages to the other person. First, it alerts them that we are not fully attuned and that I’m not sure what they mean. This is an implied request that we define our terms so we can make sure we’re on the same page. Second, it sends the message that I respect the other’s point of view and am interested in understanding it better. This message of respect plus the request for clarification is a powerful way to avoid misunderstandings and to create shared meaning. Whether you are communicating with someone from another culture, talking with friends and family, or just trying to clarify your own thinking, what exactly does that mean is a powerful tool when asked sincerely. It’s just five little words but if you listen to the answer receptively, the effects can be huge. Give it a try and see how it works for you. You may be very surprised how such a simple question can improve the quality of so many conversations. If you’d like to learn more about the trap of similarity, the power of inquiry or about the psychology of intercultural communication in general, you might enjoy my new book: Connecting Hearts and Minds: Insights, Skills and Best Practices for Dealing with Differences by Greg Nees.
(C) 2017 Greg Nees –All rights reserved

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